More Koolaid, Please

That wouldnt really matter much, except for the fact that it's quarter to two. Ay. Starting this week, I am no longer going to deprive myself of sleep. Let's see how that goes...

So who will be able to attend a performance of The Women in April? Because, well, I'm in it! I didn't make callbacks for one of the 10 main roles, but I do have two minor roles and I am pretty happy with that. I have to start somewhere, and this looks like a lovely place.

Going back to the fact that I've only been awake for an hour, I really hope that I'm not getting sick. I have a little bit of a headache, a just barely noticeable sore throat, and I just slept for almost 13 hours straight. Hmm, interesting. DayQuil, here I come.

The basketball game last night was good-both JV and Varsity won and the dance team performed marvelously. ;) Afterwards Kelly and I "pow-wowed", in the words of Scott, for a little bit before I headed home to get really tired and go to sleep. It was a fairly enjoyable night, if I do say so myself. Next weekend we play Rapids and Elizabeth is coming into town!! I am excited about that, and hopefully a good time will be had by all.

Yes, this was kind of a boring post, but I'm bored, so it was to be expected. I have to babysit for several hours tonight, so before that, I think I'll take a nap. Ugh.

Have a great day.

Some of it is related. And some of it is total randomness. Be prepared. You could be reading for hours.

Tonight I was at East to welcome home the 376th Finance Battalion; 18 soldiers returning from a year-long deployment in Iraq. It was emotional, let me tell you. I didn't even know any of them, but seeing their parents, and their spouses and their children was enough to make me feel like I had been missing them for a year, too.
I've had so many mixed feelings about the war and our troops. Recently in this country it has become "un-American" to not support the war, because that is in turn translated into not supporting the troops that are fighting overseas. I completely disagree with that. I support our troops even more because I do not support the war. Each soldier that will not return home has died for an unjust reason. I don't think that is up for debate, considering it is a matter of fact that we did not go to war for the reasons we are now said to be occupying Iraq. When I was at home sick yesterday morning, President Bush held his first live press conference that I was oh-so-fortunate enough to be able to view. First of all, he knew nothing. (Surprise? Um, no.) Second of all, he responded to one of the questions he was asked by saying that "your children and grandchildren will benefit from a free Iraq." What? Does that NOT make any sense to anyone else? I am glad that human beings can now be treated as actual human beings, and no longer live in (the same) fear, but how does that directly benefit me, or my future children? The back of the shirts we wore tonight say "Thank you for our FREEDOM." Yes, they are soldiers and they risked their lives for a year in a foreign country. I am fortunate to live in a nation that has the ability to be safe and protected at all times, and has people dedicated to ensuring that. But I do not believe that their service in this war is connected to my freedom, especially taking into consideration the fact that the events of September 11th and the basis of our country's "war on terrorism" were not connected to Iraq. I apologize for having to state that tonight, after such a wonderful welcome home ceremony, but I can't stop thinking about it. My heart most definitely goes out to everyone currently in Iraq and those back home worrying about them and supporting them during this horrible time.

That sort of transititions into my next topic of the day: registering for next year's classes! We viewed a presentation today about all the classes offered in the history department, one of which is Contemporary Issues. Now, I registered for that class for this year, but it wasn't offered because it didn't fill up, and the course description sounds like EXACTLY my type of thing. But the more I think about it, the more I think I would be angry all day if I was in that class. If you know me at all or have read really anything I have previously written on here, you should know why. (If you DON'T know why, and would like to be informed, comment and I'll tell you. After what I've already written tonight I don't really want to offend anyone that hasn't already stopped reading this post.) I think I'm going to take like six elective/semester classes. It's not really a matter of credit as much it's a matter of how many free classes I can possibly cram in before I graduate.

The West webpage is so much cooler than East's. It's all updated and stuff. Ours is always the same and very frequently left un-updated, and it never has any pictures. Thus the reason I spend too much time on West's webpage. I'm a sucker for pictures.

I am really sore. I was such a wussy girl yesterday in gym because I felt completely horrible even before I started running, and now I am crazy sore in order to prove that, of course, my body cannot handle physical challanges. Actually, I think the soreness is a lot from the whole sitting exercise thing I was doing during MYAC yesterday. But still. Allison=total wuss. That will change soon, though. As soon as I find time. And a trainer, maybe.

Are the ACT's hard? I'm just wondering. Because I'm taking them on the 12th and I'm not sure how preperation for that really goes. If you are an ACT expert, I'd appreciate some information. Muchas gracias en el avance.

And, I'll leave you with a quote this evening, relfecting on the realization that I am DAMN bitter about my past. (Not to give the impression that I had a bad day or am extremely upset about my life. It was just a mid-biology thought, that later turned into a daily quote on my dad's cell phone. Whew. Since when do I find it necessary to explain myself...?)

"Behind almost every woman you ever heard of stands a man who let her down."
-Naomi Bliven

Reflect on that, and congratulations on finally reading to the end of all this babbling craziness. G'night. ;)

I have great things to write about today! My heart is still a little heavy, but I don't feel like dwelling on that tonight.

B- in Pre-Calc. Never before have I ever been so happy to get that low of a grade. I am ecstatic. Seriously.

B for semester in Bio. That's pretty much what I was expecting, but I have an 87%, and my percentage from first to second quater improved by like eight points. I think some bargaining can be done. I'm sort of bad at bribery, but I'll have to work on that...

I auditioned for The Women tonight, and it actually didn't go too bad. I was sort of semi-impressed with myself. Hopefully Mrs. Riska enjoyed the audition as well. Wait, hang on a minute. What do I know? I haven't auditioned for anything since 6th grade! And I don't even remember that, I just know that it must have happened because I was in the musical! Ay. So I really have no idea how it went. But I'm hoping that "not too bad" is correct.

I thought that I didn't have tutoring at all last week. But guess what? I did! On Monday! And I didn't go! Oh my, I was embarrassed when I discovered that today. But it was still sort of funny. Tutoring was fun today, I got to hear juicy, gossipy, fifth grade, school forest stories. And who doesn't love that? I find it to be quite entertaining. I'm glad that my kids are finally starting to open up around me. They used to be really quiet or only talk about math, and I love that now they're telling me real stories and listening to mine. It's really cool. I also get to have a wonderful Junior Girls picture session with Mrs. E., whom I absolutely adore. Another babysitting job for them on Saturday night, too. I love John Marshall and all the people in it. Well, not all of them. But, yeah, you know.

So? What else? Not much really. I am having a fairly forgetful night, though, so I might update again soon.



THE NOTEBOOK on DVD in 14 days!!!

I will probably regret what I'm about to write. I can't do much right these days.

I am so fucking angry.

I don't want to be mad anymore. Or sad, or confused, or anything other than happy.

My friends, aren't my friends. That's good news, isn't it? Oh yeah, it brightened my day, too.

I changed myself. Total Allison makeover. It took time, it took work, but it payed off. I became a better person because I felt better about myself and I felt, for the first time ever, perfectly fine with who I was. Now maybe some other people don't like who I am, but that's another thing I learned to accept. I found new friends. Not because I didn't like the old ones, but because the way I needed to change didn't fit within the limits I was living with. I was happy with my new friends. I was so glad that they accepted me and that we could have fun together and that I didn't have to worry about being judged.

Wrong.

Everyone judges me.

Except for the friends that I really did love and momentarily left behind.

I am angry at myself for doing that to them, and at those who continue to betray me as I write this. I will never do the same to you, although I hope you somehow learn something from hurting others that leads to you discontinuing your back-stabbing behavior.

After saying all that, I'd like to state that I don't want to be mean and I hate to make people mad. But I'm so sick of this shit, sick of being nice to people who I know full well don't actually WANT to be nice to me.

I apologize to those who this entry does not apply to. You know who you are, and I'll love you forever.

Please, let this be the last negative entry.

Signed,
The Scorpion Woman

I have no idea what to write about. Actually, I know what to write about, just not what words to say it in.

I am sorry. From the bottom of my heart. For everything.

I don't remember the last time I was worked up to the point of nausea. Wait, I do sort of remember, but that time it wasn't really because of things I had done myself. And now it is.

The thought of hurting someone I care about is more upsetting than I can put into words. Maybe some out there will not believe that, but I can assure you that it's true. Especially when I know what it's like to hurt and to want answers and to wish everything was somehow O.K. I don't know where to start explaining, so I maybe I just won't.

There are way too many things weighing on my mind. Some of them are my fault, and some of them arent. I didn't mean to say "don't feel sorry for me" to make people want to do just that. I don't want people to think that I believe my problems are worse than anyone else's. I know that they aren't and hopefully they won't ever be. But that doesn't mean they aren't changing everything. And just about everyone gets upset when that happens. But you don't always want people to know what's going on inside, do you? I feel bad when I cry in front of people or when I yell and get angry in front of people, because I usually don't want people to know that I can't handle things. I don't want them to know how strong I'm actually not. Because when they know, they worry and fuss and I don't want that. I'd rather take care of them when they need it than have them focus on me. Maybe that doesn't make any sense. But I think it just might.

I don't know how to make anything better. I'm empty. And making myself sick.

Not really.

And if there is, it's not now.

Everything is a bit of a stretch. But you know, when just a few key things are out of whack, doesn't everything just seem kind of appropriate?

Yes, it does. Thus the reason I used it.

I don't even know what to do with myself. I don't want to complain because I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I don't want to cry anymore, especially at school, pretty much for the same reason. What is there to do? I am not one to keep everything inside, yet I can't even dechiper what it is I'm supposed to be getting out. This overwhelming feeling is crushing me.

Do you ever just want to go to sleep, and wake up to the world you knew before it turned upside down? Because I do. Part of me thinks that it would be a really bad idea, because you learn from every step you take, and going back would erase every lesson I've learned. The other part of me thinks that I really wouldn't mind if this pressure and anger were non-existant. Then again, was I angry, and was there pressure, in the world that was right-side up? If there was, what makes this different than then?

I don't know why math makes me hate myself. It just does, probably because of the great stupidity I feel every time I enter that room. I don't want to give up. And I won't. But how hard can I try and still have to face the fact that my best won't ever be enough?

That doesn't just apply to math, either.

There are two many questions. And I have to start some intense studying for Bio-IB. Answers would be appreciated.

And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What's going on?
And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?




Four Non-Blondes. Oh yeah. Scream it. Really loud.

Care to make up an even more random B.S. title for my essay? It's done now, thank goodness, and now all I have to do is wait 4 months to get it back and see my grade. I worked hard and knew what I was talking about, so I'll hope for the best.

On a somewhat English-related topic, Landretti talked to me about real human things on Friday when I met with her. Did you catch that? Like REAL non-English, somewhat personal things. She's more than just a teacher! It was an amazing discovery, let me tell ya.

It's been too long since I updated, I don't really even remember what's all happened. My oh my.

Last week went pretty fast, I suppose, and now exams have hit me right in the face and I don't really know where to start preparing. I'm having trouble deciding which of my exams is the most crucial...
Bio is worth 1/3 of the semester grade.
Pre-Calc could either pass me or fail me.
History will probably be the difference between an A and a B.
Spanish will, too.
English, ugh, I hope it's not too important, but as always, it will be.
...I don't feel like being overwhelmed at the moment, so I got everything done that I had to do today and I'm going to take it one day at a time. Yes, I know that I only have two days, but that's another thing I'm trying to put out of my mind.

The Village. Good movie. (Randomness.)

Becky's party was last night, and let's just say it was...interesting. I had a really good time with the ladies, for the most part, but there were some other rather frustrating parts of the evening, as well. Those would include dirty looks, lying, not being able to sleep, cigarette smoke, below zero temperatures, and being locked out of the house at 2:30 a.m. Yeah, interesting is a good word.

Next weekend, there better be a party. Should I have a party? Well, I could, but what on earth would we do? I need some suggestions, or someone should probably better volunteer to host. Because I know I'm not alone in this want to party it up. There will be no homework for TWO WHOLE DAYS. Almost too good to be true, I'd say.

I'm in a really strange mood, so I should probably head out. When I'm in a more mellow, sane mood, I'll find time to write some more.

Good luck this week! DON'T FREAK OUT! (Unless it's totally necessary, of course.)

Yes, I did feel pretty. 

At the request of a commenter, I will be posting a picture. Only one, though, because I don't want to post pictures of anyone that would rather not be seen by random people who happen to come across this blog. So, for now, you'll have to find some way to deal with a picture of only me.

Before that, though, I would like to share the little kid conversation of the day.

(Allison takes photo album off cubby-shelf at John Marshall)
Sheng: What is THAT?
Allison: Pictures from a dance I went to on Saturday.
Sheng: OOOOOH let me seeeeeeeeeeeeee them.
(Allison opens album to the first pictures of her and Matt, and Vichai enters the scene)
Sheng: Who is that boy??
Vichai: WHAT!? You're MARRIED to him?
Allison: Well, no.
Sheng: Is he your booooooooooyfriend?
Allison: Yes.
Vichai: You can't do that. Your hair doesn't match.

Where do they even come up with that stuff? But now, it should be obvious to you all, that you can't date someone unless your hair matches. Good thing we took care of that one.

Well, here goes nothing. Try to keep the insults to a minimum, this time. ;)

But let's think about what's more important. Writing this entry, obviously.

I just finished looking through all my pictures from New Year's Eve/Junior Girls, and wow, we've had a lot of good times in the past two weeks. I set my desktop to the cutest picture EVER of Matt and I (It was hard to pick which one was the cutest because, well, we're adorable.), and put all the actual photos into my junior year photo album. I figured it was the easiest to put them into the album right away, so then when I take them to school they won't end up all covered in fingerprints. Plus, the photo album is really pretty.

Junior Girls is over. Seven months of fundraising and planning, and it all came together this weekend. It was totally worth it. Every ounce of stress that came from everything we did to get ready for it would gladly be dealt with again, because it was just so perfect. I was very worried that it would not be, as you can read about in my previous entries, but it was amazing and I loved every second of it. I'm not really used to doing a play-by-play of my day, but right now I feel that it's quite necessary.
I got my hair done at 11:00, and then headed to Mary's at 1:00 for makeup. I felt like I was on A Wedding Story, because they always show the bride-to-be wearing mismatched clothes that she won't have to mess up her hair by taking off. Sweatpants, a button down flannel shirt, and garden clogs are TOTALLY the way to go. After that, I hurried home to change and make sure everything was just right before Mathew arrived. I wasn't nervous at all during the week, or in the morning, but that right there was when my heart started racing and I got a little shaky (well ok, very shaky). Because he just looked so damn good. And that kind of things makes a girl nervous, you know. We then headed to Katie's for pictures, which was a bunch of fun in itself. Seeing everybody for the first time and meeting parents and all that good stuff. Blinded by camera flashes, but pretty enjoyable. (I'm really attempted to post some pictures, but I know that doesn't go over well, so I won't.)
After that it was off to school for the grand march, which was not nearly as nerve-racking for me as it seemed to be for many other people (thank goodness) and then we headed to the Elk's to reserve tables for dinner. The food was simply delicious (Tenderloin. 2510 cake. Heaven.) and the candles/centerpieces/decorations were so beautiful.
I'm sure you can imagine what happened after dinner. Was there dancing? Oh yes, there certainly was. And it was a crazy good time. Enough said, I think.
Afterwards, at Katie's, everyone was kind of quiet but I enjoyed being in a group of people that doesn't usually hang out together. There was something comforting about it, for some reason. Oh, and I really hope that after prom my parents are more comfortable with the ideas of boys staying the entire night, because that totally would have been the better plan. Overall, though, there was nothing whatsoever to complain about.

I hardly slept at all last night, and took a nap for about an hour this afternoon, and I'm now totally exhausted after trying to stay awake to do homework (that is not even close to being done). With that said, it would be a great idea to head up to bed. I really truly hope that everyone had a night as amazing as mine. Buenas Noches. ;)

I've been waiting for this day since middle school. And now it's here. I don't even believe it.

It's 9:10 a.m. and surprisingly I am awake. Mainly because I went to sleep at 11:30 last night, due to the fact that I didn't know what else to do with myself.

I have some mixed feelings this morning. I am excited, I really am. Yesterday was so much fun, and the decorations look great, and we danced and danced and laughed and laughed and I know we'll have the same amount of fun (plus more) tonight. At the same time, my flippin' eyebrows have not healed, and although the burns are (thank god) much less visible than they were on Thursday, they will still make me self concious all night. I am trying so hard to be optimistic, and hoping that my wonderful makeup artist will be able to conceal them. My hair I'm sure will be beautiful, as well as my dress and my shoes and my DATE, so my eyebrows should be the least of my worries. But you know, they just aren't, at the moment.

So now, I'm going to have a big mug of hot chocolate, and some waffles maybe, and then take a shower before my hair appointment at 11:00. And all the while I'll be doing my best to focus on the parts of this evening that will be amazing, rather than those that won't.

I hope everyone has a spectacular night at Junior Girls, and I expect to see plenty of pictures on Monday! ;)

And just a warning, this entry will contain a total overshare (Maybe only in the opinions of some, though). Yeah, that's right. Just thought I'd let you know it advance.

Today hasn't been the best day to be a girl.

I hate society and it's evil influences.

I feel like Huck Finn, at the moment. Those of you lucky enough to participate in a typical Landretti discussion should know why, when I say that I know what's right and what matters, yet, all around me, society sends messages that completely contradict what's true and important.

I got my eyebrows waxed today for the first time ever, and it hurt like hell. Yes, maybe I'm a wimp, but I only got it done because it seemed like what everyone else was doing to be more attractive, and hey, why not join in on the fun? So I did it, and it was so painful, and my eyes watered like crazy and got all puffy, and it's now four hours later and the redness has yet to disappear. Ah, the suffering and paranoia. Also, I was unable to go out in public (into society, oh, how it passes judgement!) for fear of humiliation. And I wanted to see Matt and eat cake, damnit.

Alright, now for what I warned you about. Chest size doesn't matter. But then why DOES it matter?? No sense was made right there, I know, but there is an example of how society and my inner feelings/knowledge aren't exactly the same. So here's the story. With almost every girl attending Junior Girls, or any other occassion that requires a dress of any sort, there is pretty much always a bra dilema. What will show where, what will/won't fall off, etc. I am no exception, and I thought I had conquered this dilema, but tonight as I tried on my dress for the 18th time, there it was, staring me in the face. This is when I'm supposed to say to myself, "Self, those who matter don't care, and those who care don't matter. And I do say that to myself, however, myself says right back to me, "But you're a girl, don't deny that there's a problem here, because you don't have nearly what EVERYONE else has to show off." Well, self, not EVERYONE has so much more than I do. But it feels like that, because the male half of society, and a majority of the female half, are constantly breathing down my neck about how important it is to have huge boobs and flaunt them. I can't help it, just like every other girl out there, so I don't see why it's necessary for them to be such a huge deal. I probably wouldn't be saying that if my situation were a little different, but still, I know a few rather busty women who are totally creeped out by the attention they get only because of their chests. So jeeze, let's stop staring, OK?! Yeah, I know you won't. But I just had to say it. Now, please excuse me while I take the next 2.5 days to prepare myself to be completely ignored because I'm flat. (That's taking it a little far, and I'm only dressing to impress one out of the 320 attendants, but what is society screaming at me, if not THAT? Jeeze. Just stop yelling at me, stupid society. )

Argh. I think that if everyone on earth was a girl for one day, none of this would be a problem anymore. Because that way, all men would know the pain and agony and pressure and nonsense that we face each and every day, simply because we're female. Once again, today just hasn't been the best day to be a girl.

In other news, I am very glad that Becky has been found. Whew, that was a close one.

Only one more day of school, and then Junior Girls festivities begin. Hooray for that.

Goodnight, and may tomorrow be better.

I can't find Becky! She's missing!

Has anyone seen her?

I'll even offer a reward of some pretzels if you know where she is.

Thank you.

It's really amazing how fast time goes. I don't really like the look of "2005," because odd numbers sort of creep me out, but it means that we're all so old. Jeeze. Mostly a good thing, though, depending on how you look at it. Is it very strange for me to be amazed at how old I am? I suppose it probably is. If you feel the same way, informing me of that would be greatly appreciated. However, I am glad that time is moving forward, because something would be terribly wrong if it had stopped. Hopefully 2005 contains new cures and medicines and healthy babies and well, cake. Oh, how I love cake. But really, the medicines and cures and babies are important too.

SO, New Year's Eve, whew. It was a good time. I honestly do not remember the last time I stayed awake until that insane hour. 5 a.m. may be the normal go-to-sleep time for some of you party animals out there, but it's totally foreign to me. It was so much fun though, we watched the 8th grade variety show video at 3:00 in the morning, slept for a few hours, and then had orange juice and marshmallows for breakfast. Doesn't get much better than that. It made me even more excited for next weekend's afterparty; so much to look forward to. Hopefully all my pictures turn out.
There was, of course, some drama, but I haven't quite figured it all out yet, so I won't write about it. There's still some conversing, and stuff, to be done. Overall, though, I'm glad everyone was able to get together and celebrate. Hopefully you all had a great night as well.

Now, onto what will probably be a very long week. Just think about the weekend though (and Friday, too, for those who get to decorate), and nothing else should matter much. Optimism is key. ;) May the next five days treat you well. Goodnight.