More Koolaid, Please

I am not very brave.

There are so many things I am afraid of.

Is that weakness?

And if so, can I fix it?

Just the pressing questions of the day...

I am trying very hard to avoid the typical Thanksgiving blog entry. I went back to read what I wrote last year, and it was touching, yet very typical. I don't want to make a list this year. I just want you all to know that I'm thankful for, well, everything. All the general things, and all the not-so-general things as well. The good, the bad, and the ugly. All of it. (Right now I am quite thankful for Airborne. Just an example.)

I have a good life. Sometimes stupid annoyances get in the way. Sometimes I forget what is actually important. But, really, everything is pretty amazing. I am happy and healthy and safe and warm (well, as warm as you can really get in Wisconsin), and that is nothing to take for granted.

There are only 20 minutes left of Thanksgiving. I hope that you have had a fantastic day and that I am not the only one ending my day by counting my blessings.

I, for one, should do that much more often.

Love you all. :)

Number one:

I just spent 180 bucks on a dress to wear to impress absolutely no one. It's gorgeous and I love it but I will get dressed up and get my hair done, and then I will watch all of my friends as their dates arrive to pick them up and tell them how pretty they look. What a fucking waste of money. Now I have to go, because I have this fabulous dress, but what's the point? I have said all I have had to say, and cried all these stupid tears, and still this is how things turn out. For once I made an attempt to not be a push-over and it didn't even work. Fairly discouraging.

I love you a lot but I'm SAD and I DON'T UNDERSTAND...and I'm writing about it on my blog. How pathetic.

Number two:

I keep thinking about God. I keep thinking about going to confession, which is stupid because I don't really think that confession is effective. But I feel guilty. I wish I could change things that I can't change and now somehow this thing that I've been putting out of my life is trying to creep back in. I sort of want it to, but I don't need Catholicism, I need help. I need help to stay on this track and to learn more and to not go back to some places I regret going to. I've found my "in," that person who knows this power I speak of and probably really wants to help me get to know it better. I'm glad for that. I just can't be stubborn and push it away. Thus the help.



Ay caramba. The end.

Yes, I know what it means.

I am upset. Really, really upset.

That's all.

My lack of updating depresses me when I read my blog and find out nothing new about my daily life. I'm sure you all feel the same way. Ha. I'm just noting the "you all" and how funny that must be to the one or two people that read this. Anyway, I have little to say, but am feeling it necessary to update.

I'd just like to say that 3/4 of me is on cloud nine. I feel as though I am literally glowing from the happiness I feel 24 hours of the day, seven days a week. Weak in the knees, head over heels, you name the cliche and I'm sure I fit it. I love that for so many reasons.

1/4 of me is rather..."blah." I know, so technical. But although I have this lively happy wonderful situation going on, I feel like so many other connections have slowly died out. And it might actually be because everyone suddenly got kind of happy and lucky and at the same time. Interesting how that trade off works. I've decided, though, that happy beats out all the unhappy, and that you're probably sick of hearing me say "happy" by now. Is that an okay way to look at it? Can I ignore the fizzling out of what once was good to fully embrace the new-found glory of what I never knew before and should have found so much earlier? Gah. (There's another technical expression.) Just give me some input, would ya?



I should have gone to sleep a long time ago. Oh, and I went to church tonight. Just so you know.