More Koolaid, Please

I have no idea what to write about. Actually, I know what to write about, just not what words to say it in.

I am sorry. From the bottom of my heart. For everything.

I don't remember the last time I was worked up to the point of nausea. Wait, I do sort of remember, but that time it wasn't really because of things I had done myself. And now it is.

The thought of hurting someone I care about is more upsetting than I can put into words. Maybe some out there will not believe that, but I can assure you that it's true. Especially when I know what it's like to hurt and to want answers and to wish everything was somehow O.K. I don't know where to start explaining, so I maybe I just won't.

There are way too many things weighing on my mind. Some of them are my fault, and some of them arent. I didn't mean to say "don't feel sorry for me" to make people want to do just that. I don't want people to think that I believe my problems are worse than anyone else's. I know that they aren't and hopefully they won't ever be. But that doesn't mean they aren't changing everything. And just about everyone gets upset when that happens. But you don't always want people to know what's going on inside, do you? I feel bad when I cry in front of people or when I yell and get angry in front of people, because I usually don't want people to know that I can't handle things. I don't want them to know how strong I'm actually not. Because when they know, they worry and fuss and I don't want that. I'd rather take care of them when they need it than have them focus on me. Maybe that doesn't make any sense. But I think it just might.

I don't know how to make anything better. I'm empty. And making myself sick.