More Koolaid, Please

I didn't want this to be a personal blog anymore but apparantly I cannot escape from it. According to Google Maps, my best friend lives exactly 316 miles (5 hours and 21 minutes) from where I sit right now. That is too far. I miss her. When I feel like this I obviously just want to talk to her but we're in college now which means we're busy and therefore talking is a luxury, not something we can take for granted. She understands when no one else does. So when I have no one else to talk to, and I finally feel inspired to write something that might not actually be extremely shitty, that is exactly what I will do.

I cannot think. I cannot concentrate. Each thing I try to focus on reminds me of something else, usually something much deeper and time consuming than I wish to have anything to do with. I came across the website for FOUND magazine, via the Postsecret website, and I find it so captivating. Real snapshots of moments and feelings and many times things that were never supposed to be seen by anyone else. But there they are, for the world to see, and I wonder what would happen if I wrote things down, secret things, and then randomly dropped them for unknown people to find. I have always been inclined to pick up and read notes that I find. I know that I am not the only one. The bad thing, though, is that this scattered, bizzarre feeling that I have, I do not have a clue how to describe it. There are so many people in my life that I do not know what to do with. People who were once an irreplacable part of my days and of my life and who have now seemingly lost all interest in contact and meaningful conversation.

What do you do with an empty part of you that cannot be filled by anyone but the one who used to fill it? And when you've been made to feel disposable, how do you possibly reverse that feeling into something that's anything other than heartbreaking?

Sad.

Here ya go.

"Life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all."
-William Goldman

Being home has been bittersweet. Going to basketball games, eating around a kitchen table with my family. There is still a little less than a week left before I go back to school and I cannot decide whether this has been a good experience or a bad one. Well, ok, it hasn't been bad. Not at all. But you never expect that it will be as uncomfortable as it actually turns out to be. I miss my children. They are getting so big and so smart and I wish I could be here to witness all of it, instead of just bits and pieces. I went to Hannah's basketball tournament yesterday and I was just so proud of her--I'm glad I could at least be here for that. Home also reminds me of the past. Namely the things that I started forgetting about at school, and for good reason. This is where the quote comes into play. I have been so blue these days because I can't get over the fact that some people have no sense of respect and fairness and sincerity. It's not even that uncommon that people who THINK they understand those things really don't. It's magnified here because there is so little else to think about. At school there are distractions and things to be done, and here there is nothing to do but sit and dwell and get sad. Jeeze. I hate that. I am looking forward for that to be over. And for people to understand. But that's not looking too promising.
Anyway. I am starting to do some shopping and laundry and packing up in preparation for the return, and that will be bittersweet as well. New roommate, new classes, new professors. Whew. Lots of new beginnings, and optimism is key.
I suppose "optimism" is the key to all of these problems. That being said, as I head into my second semester, may the glass be half full more commonly than not! (And preferrably, with chocolate milk! )

Here's the postcard of the week...I think I'll update again later.