More Koolaid, Please

Or may be it will just start some conversations.

I think I'm agnostic. Maybe I will revisit that thought years from now and think about how crazy I was to be saying that. But right now, that's what I think.

And you know, I don't think that makes me a bad person. I think that you can be the kindest, most wonderful person on earth without religion, or without God. A lot of people don't believe that. But really, what is the difference? Agnostic doesn't mean I don't believe in God, it means that I don't think I should pretend to know that there is one, when in reality NO ONE KNOWS. I can't judge whether people will go to Heaven or Hell, because you have to be dead to know if those places exist, and I'm very much still alive.

For a long time now I have WANTED, seriously wanted to believe it God. To know that he exists and that I have him to lean on in times of crisis. But I don't feel it. It would make so many people around me happy if I just say that I feel it, but I don't. I'll keep trying, but that's tiring. I'd rather have faith in something, instead of nothing at all, but I can't force that. No one can. I think you have to feel it. And I'm still waiting.

This seriously might get me in trouble. But it actually doesn't even matter. I'm just a crazy teenager. And you know what those hormones are capable of.

I'm still searching. But that's my current conclusion.

I'm updating from SCHOOL. That's so horrible. But before I graduate from high school I had to do at least one fairly off-limits-and-ridiculas thing. The filter doesn't block Blogspot though, obviously, so here I am.

I just handed in my final project for English and my gosh does that feel good. Even though being done with testing was a relief, to be 100% done with everything is a wonderful feeling. So now, here I sit in the Skyrocket with not much to do (actually, I just thought of something to do so this will end momentarily) and I thought I'd be a little lame and rebellious by updating during the school day. *Gasp!*

But now, I'll finish up my Broadcast final and then I'll be done with that class too! YAY!

More later.

I have no idea where all of my time has gone. There is nothing I want more than to sit back and enjoy what I have left, but at the same time that is proving to be quite impossible. Errands to run, invitations to address, and projects to put finishing touches on. There are only NINE DAYS left. NINE!

The Senior Awards Night was enjoyable--it was interesting to hear the stories of each scholarship and see the people that were so touched by every legacy. These days money is always such an important thing, and it was humbling to see the reason that these scholarships are available and the selfness displayed by the name on each memorial. Three hours is a little long to sit, but it was worth it.

The Drama Banquet and Awards was also extremely enjoyable; oh how I wish I had done more theater in high school. If nothing else, though, I know that I want to continue drama at Eau Claire, and if it can be part of my life from here on out, that's enough. It was an emotional night, even though my three shows are nothing in comparison with some of the other seniors, but it will certainly be missed.

Now, I'm working on my Sociology project and gearing up for my last full week of high school. THE LAST MONDAY! (Ay, it's close to not making me cry but the thought still makes me a little teary-eyed...) We went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond today and bought sheets for my NEW bed. I still love my old bed quite a bit. And Enrique Iglesias is on Extreme Home Makeover. I thought he fell off the face of the earth, but apparently not. Those EHM people are so tricky.

No more for now--updates are slow but sure...these last days are happy and sad and exhausting and exhilarating at all the same time. When it's over, I might have a little more time.

Remember, NINE MORE DAYS!

"You think that because he doesn't love you that you are worthless. You think that because he doesn't want you anymore that he is right--that his judgement and opinion of you are correct. If he throws you out, then you are garbage. You think he belongs to you because you want to belong to him....It's a bad word, 'belong.' Especially when you put it with somebody you love. Love shouldn't be like that. Did you ever see the way the clouds love a mountain? They circle all around it, sometimes you can't even see the mountain for the clouds. But you know what? You go up top and what do you see? His head. The clouds never cover the head. His head pokes through because the clouds let him; they don't wrap him up. They let him keep his head up high, free, with nothing to hide him or bind him....You can't own a human being. You can't lose what you don't own. Suppose you did own him. Could you really love somebody who was absolutely nobody without you? You really want somebody like that? Somebody who falls apart when you walk out the door? You don't, do you? And neither does he. You're turning over your whole life to him. Your whole life, girl. And if it means so little to you that you can just give it away, hand it to him, then why should it mean anymore to him? He can't value you more than you value yourself."
-Guitar, Song of Solomon


"Perhaps that's what all human relationships boiled down to: Would you save my life? or would you take it?"
- Toni Morrison, Song of Solomon

I've finally seen the what the hype is all about. Tonight, I rented Brokeback Mountain.

I am angry at every person who has and will continue to make sick jokes about it without even knowing its story. At every person who is too afraid to give it a chance.

Most who know me know how I feel about homosexuality. And I know all of the arguments against it, and all of the arguments against the "gay agenda" of this movie. But I cannot even fully express how PROUD I am to be a supporter of it. It isn't about sex, it's about LOVE. It isn't about sin, it's about acceptance. It's about understanding that hate makes life hell for so many people...turns love into something forbidden. It's about feeling the pain and sadness of two men who live their entire lives fighting with who they are.

I am not an expert movie critic, and I honestly didn't even think right away that it lived up to my expectations. But I can't stop thinking about it. About how such a basic concept can be so absolutely heartwrenching. About the fact the millions of people don't even attempt to understand the lives and the hearts of these people.

Give it a chance. You might be surprised.

Nine o'clock a.m. IB Exam numero uno will begin. Then I'll have one down and only four to go. There's relief in just that, really.

I cling to relief these days. Hold on through what totally sucks just to feel that sigh of relief, to be able to relax.

We do what we have to do, I suppose.

I don't know who you are or why you read my blog if it irritates you, but that's the truth. So there.