More Koolaid, Please

Horrible song. But I'm addicted. I like bananas, so I guess it's ok.

So things are a little rocky. I'm trying my hardest to be level-headed and full of common sense, however. Why? Because usually I freak out. (Yeah, you heard it. I freak out. Surprising?! I thought so...) It's been a fast week, yet still fairly icky.

I am a people person. I love people. That has two outcomes, though, that have come into play this week. The first one is that I have extra super wonderful friends and because I value them all, I hate to make people angry. The second, which is directly connected to the first, is that I am simply terrible at being angry. I get angry. VERY angry, sometimes. But I'm no good at looking at someone and saying, "You know what? I am really mad at you, and this why..." I'm just bad at it. I don't want to fight, I don't want to cry, I don't want to embarrass myself. Natural, really. But some people are good at saying how they feel and actually accomplishing something with it, and I'm just not. So instead, I handle things completely inappropriately, make people mad at me anyway, and mess everything up. Jeeze. I should stop doing that, already.

Until the elections are over next week, I won't be very calm. But I'm trying really hard to reduce the whole anger/freaking out issue. It's not even anger to start with, but a lot of dissapointment. I want this. So bad. I will be involved even if I don't win, but a lot of road blocks have made this not exactly what I was expecting. And the unexpected tends to throw people off.

In the end, it will all be ok.


"We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joys in the world."
Helen Keller

I am totally making a shirt that says that. Thank you, hitman from Desperate Housewives.

Frankly, I am unsure what I should write here anymore. I am in a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad mood. My attitude about my situation is embarrassing. Yet to get through that, I enjoy writing and working through my thoughts as I put them down in words. I don't want to be criticized. I don't want to be told that I am ugly and mean and selfish and ungrateful. Because a lot of days, that is how I feel about myself and it brings me down to a level that I wouldn't wish upon anyone else. I know in my heart, however, that I am not truly any of those things, because I possess many redeeming qualities to be very proud of and many features that I should be flaunting. That knowledge is the reason that I do continue to write my thoughts here and will continue to do so until I am somehow mentally or physically unable to. All I ask is that you somehow understand that point of view as I go through these uncomfortable moments, events, and days that everyone out there knows so well. I'm not asking for sympathy, just respect.

That having been said, on to other things.

Prom is over. Not only The Women, but PROM too. Holy cow. It was a good time. I love getting dressed up and fancy and parading in front of people. Usually parading is very far from my thing, but I think I like it just for special occasions. The beads came off my sandals, which was awfully dissapointing, but the artsy ordeal of putting them on there was enough fun in itself. At least they lasted through dinner. I had a lot of fun with the group we went with, and dancing the night away is never an unpleasant experience. It was a little funny to be with those same people afterwards, because theres something about having on pajamas and being unable to control your hair that is a tad bit personal. But it was cool, and surprisingly not that uncomfortable. I like sharing that kind of thing with people I don't know. Why? Couldn't tell ya. That was something cool about Peru, we got to find out who people really were when they weren't physically able to put on a false face. (Oh, you know, sometimes food poisoning makes it difficult to be "cool.") Anyway, overall, I'll give the night a 7 out of 10.

Today was not the typical day after prom. I babysat from 9:45-3:15, went to the Variety Show, picked up pictures, ate dinner at Rachel's, went to the grocery store, organized my pictures, and did homework. Whew. After all that, it is most certainly time to hit the hay. Goodnight. ;)

I just watched the most magnificent movie ever. Ok well maybe not EVER, but close.

I don't usually write movie reviews, so I will write a reflection instead, I suppose.

Most people that know me or have read previous entries here know that I am not too happy with my religion. It's not so much that I have officially decided that there is no God, but it's more the fact that the CHURCH rules in most organized religions have started to completely outnumber the GOD rules. Politics and ethics have taken the place of faith. I have been raised Catholic, gone to church on a regular basis for my entire life thus far, and that is not enough. At an age when thinking and making choices becomes the normal thing to do, I have found the idea of religion to be fairly pointless and almost comical. Thus the reason I LOVED the movie Saved!. Basically, the movie starts when a devoutly Baptist teenage girl finds out that her boyfriend is gay, and in an attempt to "save" him from...eh...turning to the dark side, becomes pregnant. Oops. He goes to a religious intervention center (yet another attempt to save his horrible sinful soul) and she attends a crazy Baptist high school as a pregnant senior. Ay. The mockery in this movie is simply hilarious and had me laughing out loud many times. The acting was also very impressive, and as terrible as it is to admit, Macaulay Caulkin was gorgeous. Even though Saved! mocked most aspects of organized religion and evangelism, it still had a good message and left me with somewhat of an urge to keep exploring until I do find whatever it is that I can truly believe in.

I'm still contemplating, and it would be a good idea to sleep on it. I recommend this movie to EVERYONE! Prepare to hear me talk about it for a couple days now. ;)

'Night.

I <3 Mitch. (Thanks to Miss Rebecca.) Oh, and I <3 cake, as well.

The Women is over! Oh my goodness. This whole year is absolutely flying. I can't believe that so many things I have anticipated for so long have already happened. The show went fairly well, there were microphone troubles up the whazoo, but other than that it was good. The acting was amazing and we all made it out alive (not too many cat fights). Whew. It is quite the adventure to work on something this big with only 25 females. It's amazing the difference that boys actually make when it comes to keeping the bitching to a minimum. I am proud of everyone, though, and I have made a ton of new friends and gotten to know a lot of people much better. I also discovered that although it is a huge time commitment, I want to continue doing this next year. The only negative at the moment? Stage makeup may look cool, but it does not get along with my skin. Good thing there's a week before prom, because I don't have enough makeup to cover the whole breakout situation taking place.

I got my haircut, finally. It's not really noticably shorter, but there are more layers and it's a lot easier to take care of. It's been, oh, 11 months since my last haircut, so it was about time. AND I decided what to do with my hair for prom, so that's good. It was pretty much the last detail.

I am excited about prom, by the way. REALLY excited, actually. I have not been nearly as hyped about this as I was about Junior Girls, due to other events taking place, but I am truly happy about my dress and my date and really the whole night in general. It should be a a lot of fun, minus the whole babysitting the next morning thing. Even that, though, shouldn't be torture.

Speaking of torture, I am now going to Badger Girls State in June, mainly because my grandmother is a lunatic. I should be more optimistic, because it is something that I originally wanted to do, and I know it will be a good experience, but my grandma drives me up the wall. Ugh. I'm working on the attitude, I really am.

April is busy. Yeah. Just had to say it. But then next month is May, which is the last full month of school. Hooray for that. Maybe tomorrow I will start running again. I haven't had time or energy for a while but it would probably be a decent idea. Hopefully the weather will be nice, because the treadmill sounds rather unappealing.

Alright, that's all for tonight. It's way passed my bed time. Night, ya'll.

Yes. A monkey in baby clothing. I couldn't pass up the opportunity. 

Hope for Hansen ;) (An illegally planted tree...) 

No words exist to accurately explain what this was like. Just look. 

I <3 Llamas. 

(I love this song. And that is an understatement.)

Whew. I've been home for six days now and it still feels good everytime I sit down. Every break I can get is totally necessary.

The trip was incredible, if you haven't already heard. As you maybe read in my last post, the highlight of Peru was most definitely Machu Picchu. It was an experience that can never be repeated and I will remember it for the rest of my life. Although Machu Picchu was my favorite part of the trip, there are so many other things to be remembered as well. Lake Titicaca was gorgeous, the people were incredibley kind, the culture was extremely different, and the food was something I'm glad I don't have to taste on a regular basis anymore. Even though a lot of people did get sick (I didn't, by some kind of miracle), I still really feel that the amazing experience outweighed the discomfort. It's taken me this past week just to absorb everything that happened and to organize all of my emotions about the last couple weeks. There has been a lot to take in.

Trying to get back into the normal swing of things, play practice is now between three and five hours a night! Party on! Actually, it's not the most horrible thing in the world. I have a lot of fun while I'm there, and I've made some new friends, but the homework time has dramatically decreased. I'm doing my very best to take advantage of my resource centers! Performances are next week (Thursday, Friday, and Saturdays, all at 7:30 p.m.), and so far all the time put in should be worth it. I'm not a lead (or even close to one), but anyone with any kind of role, big or small, has been doing a great job. Hopefully people will come see it!! (Hint, hint...)

So, my mother has left for Illinois, and the rest of my family will be in Rapids tomorrow, so that was pretty good news. I <3 being home alone. I have to do some set work and clean, but I will do it at a leisurely pace with the music blasting.

What else do I know? Peeps are delicious. Yep, that's about it.

Oh, and like well like if you like have some kind of like issue with me like please use some like solid like insults or like even better like get a life that like doesn't include like nasty lying gossip. Like, thank you.

Enjoy your Friday evening. ;)

Hiking at almost 7,000 feet of elevation is no easy task. (Keep in mind that our lovely city of Wausau is only 800 feet above sea level.) As a matter of fact, for certain people, hiking in general, at any elevation, is not the easiest.

That doesn't matter.

Nothing matters, actually.

You hike, and you sweat, and you can't breath. You're sunburned, and it rains, and you trip a couple times. The path gets wet, and it's foggy, and you're running out of time.

But then you are at the top, and nothing else matters.

It doesn't matter what you're wearing or how you look.
It doesn't matter how many friends you have or what your enemies think of you.
It doesn't matter who you are or aren't dating.
It doesn't matter how much money you have or what you spend it on.
It doesn't matter how sad you've been or how lonely you might be.
It doesn't matter where you sleep at night or where you wake up in the morning.
It doesn't matter how much you weigh, or what size pants you wear.
It doesn't matter who's looking at you, or even who's not.

All that counts for anything is the knowledge that you are a visitor. A visitor and a witness. You own nothing in this moment, and carry with you only your heart and soul and the strength that allowed you to make it to the top. And you are a witness to the world. To the world and the great amount of beauty that it possesses, yet most often hides from those who most need to see it.

You know secrets now that most of the people you will return to at 800 ft. will never have even heard of. But you now understand that once you've been to the Sun Gate, you never truly come back down. There is peace, and there is change. And nothing else matters.