More Koolaid, Please

perfect.

I have decided that I will continue to update this blog until I leave for Spain. I will use this to document and vent about the crazy emotional rollercoaster I will be on for the last month before I leave. After that, I will be starting a new blog so that everyone can keep up with my Spanish adventures while I'm gone.

Just in case you were wondering, I suppose.

Being home is really quite boring. And it's cold, too, because my dad refuses to actually utilize this nice thing we like to call heat. I like to be here when important things are going on, but it's just not all that great to be here and do nothing. That's what vacation is for, I know. But it's so quiet. And boring. And did I mention cold?

Yesterday was amazing--I just love my family so much and I love that all of my cousins are getting to the age where someone can make an inappropriate joke and (almost) everyone laughs. It's interesting to watch your relatives turn into people you actually enjoy hanging out with.

The mandatory question: What am I thankful for? Well, some random things. First, the obvious, like family and friends and this one amazing boy. Then, for Postsecret. And music. And chocolate. And the people who founded Unitarian Universalism.

Add to the list, would ya?

It is 12:16 a.m. Thankfully, I don't have class until 10 tomorrow.

I don't know why I feel inspired to write. Every once in a while I read my own blog. Hopefully I am not that only one who does that. It helps me to remember who I was, and occasionally, who I am. While I unfortunately do not keep my blog updated, and I am nearly positive that no one reads it, there are certain things that happen to me that I automatically think, "I should blog about that." Mostly, this occurs because those things that occur have to do with things that I have blogged about here for years. Sometimes I think it happens simply because words are so natural to me and some things just need to be expressed that way.

There is a quote on the mirror in my bathroom that says, "Things fall apart so that other things can fall together." This week, that quote came true for me.

There is this boy in my life. Or, well, there was. He decided that was something that no longer worked for him. He decided this several years ago, and just last Friday did I realize it. Or maybe, I had realized it, but had not come to terms with it. For so long I was miserable, I was depressed, and I was subconsciously constantly overwhelmed with emotion (mostly anger) toward him. On Friday, I decided to let go. Just...let go. It is no longer something that can control my life, and I will no longer allow him to have the power over me that he has held for so long. And then, just like that, there was a new boy in my life. He's funny and he makes me smile and he takes time to spend with me just doing nothing. I don't feel like I have to hide or pretend or hold anything back. In just a few short days he has restored some of the hope that Boy #1 took away. I didn't even think that was possible.

Of course, there are always complications, and I face the terrifying reality that in two short months, I will be leaving the states to live in Spain for almost five months. I do not know if this is temporary--joy that I should just be grateful for right now, or something that will continue to surprise me and last well into the future. But at this point, it doesn't really matter. I am smiling on a regular basis. I feel completely capable of telling off the boy who tried to take away what it is that allows me to trust and have hope and to open up to another person. This is something totally new. Clearly, the relationship with him needed to fall apart in order for this new one to "fall together."

I often wish that more could come from this blog than me rambling on about my emotional and dramatic life happenings. But frankly, life happens, and this is life. What will inspire me next?

I do not believe that there is a God who actively participates in life's daily happenings. I believe that there is a possibility that a God exists or existed at one time who is responsible for creation, but even that belief is being pretty heavily doubted.

I have asked here before why it is that some people believe that to be true, because I was still sort of questioning whether or not I believed it. Now, however, I simply do not. "I am so blessed." "God is so good." I do not buy it. If there were truly one answer, one "way up," one God who is so damn good, why would anyone believe otherwise? Why would anyone suffer, especially from things they cannot control? I just don't believe it. I'm still open to opinions (very open, actually, because I am always looking and hoping to understand what it is that creates strong belief, whether it is in tune to mine or otherwise), but I needed to state that SOMEWHERE.

How's that for the first post in three months?

For all of this time, the excuse has been, "He's a boy, that's what they do." All the hurt and amazingly bad decisions have been attributed to the fact that he doesn't know any better, because he's a boy.

I am tired of that. I want to believe that he is able to make good decisions and able to see the consequences of his actions and, most importantly, able to effectively maintain relationships with the people who are important to him.

Is that so much to ask...?

Happy Valentine's Day!